Posted in Abusive Relationships, Blogging, Bullying, Mental Health

Writing through the fear…

There was a lot of fear involved in writing out and actually publishing those posts about my sister.

There is the fear of what my sister might do if she finds out that I wrote about her. That I didn’t sugarcoat anything, and was honest. She hasn’t really been a part of my life for about 2 years now, and I’m still terrified of what she thinks of me. Especially if she thinks negatively of me. There was a while where I was making clothing choices based on what my sister would think of them. She lived all the way across the country, and I was worried about what she would think of my outfit?! That she would never see?!  When I pointed this out to a friend she told me that I had to find a way to get my sister’s voice out of my head, and she was right. Not having contact with her for as long as I have has greatly diminished the amount of decisions where worry over what my sister would think has influenced my choice. But I don’t know if my fear of her, and her irrational temper, and the hurt she can so casually inflict upon me, will ever truly go away.

Even when my relationship was “good” with my sister, everything seemed to be all one-sided. Whenever we would talk, there was always plenty of time to talk about her problems. But we never really seemed to able to get around to talking about what was going on in my life. Part of me was relieved with this, because if she didn’t know what was going on in my life then she couldn’t disapprove or make me feel like an idiot.

I found the last time that I was back east and around my sister, that I started acting like an absolute ditz most of the time. It was easier just to play the role of the idiot that she had written for me. So much easier to play that role, and hope to avoid any real conversations so as to limit the possibilities of conflict. And if I do have a different opinion? Better just to play dumb.

Well I’m not dumb. I do have my own opinions about things, and they are allowed to differ from hers.

Then there is the fear that family members may not approve of me choosing to write so publicly about “family business”. Writing about it where all the world can see (or at least the small part of the world that chooses to read my blog.) There is still this thought in the back of my mind that “we just don’t talk about things like this with people who aren’t family”.

But then I realize that that is a very outdated and unhealthy way of thinking. We have gotten past that. Abuse within families (any kind of abuse) is no longer “family business”, it’s no longer kept hidden from the outside world anymore.

This is my life story, and I have a choice to tell it how I see fit. If people in my family, or close family friends, disapprove of my decision to no longer have contact with my sister, that’s not my problem. They have no idea what our relationship was actually like. The long posts that I wrote don’t even almost start to cover it, but they do give you a good idea. If anyone thinks that I should “give her another chance”, because she’s my sister, I say good luck with that. I see no reason to continue to allow her to abuse me and make my life a living hell, just because she’s my sister.

I did not give up on her and our relationship. I tried everything that I could to make it work. I stopped being myself. I tried to be exactly who she asked me to be, and it still didn’t work.

This is not on me.

But, then there’s the fear that this is all on me. That I really am just over reacting to everything. That I am reading for too much into everything and I’m being an unintentional “Drama Queen”.

There is the fear that I am simply looking for excuses to not have any contact with my sister. Because when it comes down to it, I just don’t want to have anything to do with her. I don’t like her. I can’t stand her. I find her repulsive. I feel like I hate her sometimes. And this goes far beyond “sibling rivalry”. I don’t want to try to have her in my life again because my life is so much better without her. 

And I feel like the worst sister that ever was because of this.

****************

After I wrote that last line, the song “Numb” by Linkin Park came on Pandora. Most amazing timing ever.  And then it was followed by “Second Chance” by Shinedown, (I think that Pandora must spy on what I’m writing or something.)  and these lyrics jumped out at me:

Tell my mother, tell my father I’ve done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don’t cry one tear for me
I’m not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it’s only for today

 

Links to more posts about my relationship with my sister can be found on my “My Toxic Sister” page on this blog.

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