Posted in Abusive Relationships, Blogging, Bullying, Marriage, Mental Health, Stay at Home Wife

Thanks, but I’m not broken…

I said in an earlier post that I would talk more about why I cut off a friendship with somebody when she decided that she needed to try to “fix me”. What was it that needed fixing exactly? The fact that I don’t like to go out and socialize very often.

I’ve encountered a lot of people like this in my life. They seem to think that because I prefer to sit at home and read than go out clubbing, that there must be something wrong with me. Most of my experiences with being medicated have been in an attempt to help me live a “normal life”.  For the longest time I allowed people to tell me that there was something wrong with me. I realized that the focus from the people that were prescribing me medications was on getting me to the point where I could live a “normal” life, not on helping me to live a life that I was happy with. No one even asked me if I actually had any desire to live a “normal” life, and I assumed that the fact that I didn’t even have any desire to live the way people thought I should was also something that needed to be fixed and would be if I could just find the right medications.

I allowed them to convince me that if I could just get on the right medication (or combination of medications) that I would want to go out and be the life of the party. I allowed them to convince me that having no desire to go out and have a career outside the home, was something that could and needed to be fixed. I spent many, many years feeling broken and frustrated. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be made “normal”.

I now realize that there was never any amount of medications that would be able to fundamentally change me in such drastic ways. And that if there were, I wouldn’t want it. I wasted a lot of time chasing a normal that just doesn’t exist.

Recently my husband befriended someone at work. She was really pushing for us to go out with her and her husband, so I agreed. We had a good time, but there was something that felt slightly off to me. We agreed to go out with them again in a month, but ended up not being able to for financial reasons. She would not stop bugging my husband about us getting together again. I finally agreed to go out to us going out to a bar with her and her husband one night. Before we could even get to the bar, she was pushing for us to hang out with her the next day, as well as the next weekend. She ignored how I said that I didn’t really want to be out that late, and we were out until 6 am. Soon after this she started bugging my husband again about us hanging out. When my husband told her that  I wasn’t interested in socializing for a while, she asked him if I was “getting any help” for that yet and offered to help find me someone to talk to.

That was the last straw. If she’s not going to be accepting of me without trying to “fix me” she doesn’t get to be a part of my life. If I can cut my sister out of my life, I have no problems cutting off people who aren’t family.  I had had conversations with her about how I was doing much better now than I was in the past, and that I’m not interested in changing. That I’m finally learning to be okay with myself. She was more interested in talking about herself to listen to me though. Oh well, her loss.

I wish that I had realized much earlier than I did that being “normal” is over-rated, and what matters most is not how successful and put together you appear to other people, but how satisfied you are with your own life. I wish that I realized much sooner that not being very social is not something that you need to be medicated for, and that there is no reason why I should be heavily medicated in an attempt to change who I am.

I wonder how many people are still confusing being able to live what society considers a “normal” life and being genuinely happy?