Posted in Apartment Living, Blogging, Stay at Home Wife

My new best friend, “Mario” the plumber…

So I’m sitting here having coffee with my new best friend. I just met him this morning when he showed up and knocked on my door waaay to early. Luckily, I had gotten up just early enough to get myself dressed and pull my hair back into a ponytail. (Hopefully the ponytail will hide what a mess it is somewhat, as I haven’t yet had a chance to brush it out today.) Which means that I got up out of bed today waaay, waaaay too early. After staying up way too late yet again last night. I was never meant to be a morning person… but anyway, back to my new best friend. I call him “Mario” because I don’t in fact know his real name. Plus, this is his company van.

(Sorry for the horrible picture quality, but I’m not about to open my door to get a better picture. It’s COLD out there)

Okay, so I haven’t actually called him “Mario” to his face. And he’s not really the best guest to have over for coffee either. I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, he’s off cutting holes in my walls. Lots and lot’s of holes in my walls. And making loud banging sounds. And using things that make fire (probably an acetylene torch, but what do I know. I am not a plumber lol), and causing my apartment to smell bad. And he made the magic that causes water to come from my faucets when I turn the knobs go away.

“Mario” also happens to have a partner. I met him when I heard somebody messing with keys in my already unlocked door after I had let “Mario” in. He seemed to be a bit flustered when the door opened on him. Then he cheerily said “Good Morning!” and stammered something about just trying to figure out which one of these keys fits the lock on my door. I wonder if he realized how unnecessary of an exercise this was, seeing as I opened the door for him and therefore was clearly home. And if it was a “good” morning, I would still be in bed sleeping… Anyway, “Mario’s” partner happened to be taller and thinner than “Mario” (I swear I’m not making this up!) and therefore I call  him… “Luigi”. 🙂

So, “Mario” is working in my apartment and “Luigi” is working with him from the apartment bellow. Which is fine with me, because I like “Mario” better. He seems nicer and is funny. It’s possible that “Luigi” might have been nicer and funnier if our first meeting wasn’t so startling and unexpected for him. But, I like people who can think on their feet. “Mario” seems to be able to do that, “Luigi” not so much.

One thing that I like about both “Mario” and “Luigi” though, they work quickly. They were only in my apartment for a few hours and have got all of the pipes replaced and the water turned back on. I think that I might love “Mario” a bit too. I think that he might be the first worker that came into my apartment and actually cleaned up after himself before leaving. I mean, he mopped up the mess that he left on my bathroom floor! To be honest, I’m not sure when the last time was that mopped my bathroom floor…

They did leave holes in my walls though. So the plumbing is all done, but now I have to wait for the guy who does drywall to come and fix the holes. And while I’m waiting, think of a “clever” nickname to call him by…

Posted in Awards, Blogging, Marriage, Mental Health

Versatile Blogger Award…

I would like to thank Pondering Spawned for awarding me with the Versatile Blogger Award. I had seen this award on other peoples blogs, but never thought that anyone would want to give it to me. I also never thought that anyone would ever actually read my blog, so it means a lot to me that people are not only reading it, but that at least one person liked it enough to want to award me for it. So once again, thank you, Pondering Spawned.


The rules for this award are as follows:

Rules of the Versatile Blogger Award:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Thank and Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 bloggers for this award.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

Now in the rules it says that I have to state 7 things about myself, but Pondering Spawned stated things about her blog. So I think that I will make my answers a bit about me and a bit about my blog.

Seven things about The Illusion Of Controlled Chaos (the blog) and  Controlled Chaos (me)

1. The name of my blog came from what it feels like in my brain most of the time. Living with bi-polar disorder and O.C.D., (never officially diagnosed) and a bunch of other disorders, makes my brain a very chaotic place most of the time. Some of the time I can harness the chaos in my brain and use it to create in some way. That is where the “Controlled Chaos” part of my blog came from. It also describes the fine line that I walk in dealing with my disorders while not being on any sort of medications. I have set up my life so that I can manage my disorders and live a life that I am happy with. It gives me a feeling of being in control, but I know that it is a very fine balance and that my disorders still very much effect my life. Hence “The Illusion Of Controlled Chaos”.

2. This blog was originally created as a way that I could passive-aggressively rant about things that I saw on Facebook or on TV that pissed me off. Instead of actually posting my rants directly on Facebook (either as my status or as a comment on someone else’s status) I thought that I would write up a rant-y blog post and then share it to my wall. Then my friends and family would click on the link and find out what I was really thinking. The one problem with my plan was that I’m pretty sure that no one on Facebook really ever clicked on my blog links. Which I am now actually glad about because I have disconnected this blog from my personal Facebook page in order to write more freely about my life. When I created this blog I thought that only my friends and family from Facebook would read it, and that no one else would ever look at it. The reality is that a bunch of other wonderful bloggers have decided to take time out of their days in order to read what I have to say and support me, while my friends and family from Facebook never look at my blog. So, I thank you all of my blogging friends, without all of you, the only person who would see my blog would be my husband. 🙂

3.  I want my blog to be a place where I write about my life. Whatever it is that is going on in my life, or has happened to me in my life in the past. I want to do so without censoring myself, without leaving things out. But I am afraid that if I am perfectly honest about my life on here that some of my blogging friends might decide that they no longer want to have anything to do with me or my blog. So there are things that are going on in my life right now, big things, that I am afraid to write about on here. I hope to find the courage to really and truly write about my life, all of my life, sometime soon. I will share some of the things that I have been holding back in the rest of this post.

4. Speaking about censoring. I swear. A lot. I have not yet done so on my blog (that I can remember anyway) for fear of offending people. That might change soon.

5. I moved from the east coast all the way to Utah almost 9 years ago. There were many reasons why my husband and I moved, but one of the biggest ones was because of a certain church. We were more active in that church for a while after moving out here… until we left it. We just stopped going at first and then we actually had to resort to having our names removed from the church’s records to stop being harassed. Living where we do, we still get bugged about this church a lot, but we’ve learned how to quickly and clearly make it known that we are not interested. When I moved out here I was Christian, but now, after a lot of things that happened while leaving the church, I either consider myself agnostic or an atheist. I am not a fan of organized religion.

6. I am bisexual. I happened to fall in love with and marry a man. I could just as easily have met and fallen in love with a woman. Whether or not I would have been able to marry her would depend on the state that we happened to live in. I support the right for anyone and everyone to be able to marry the person they fell in love with if they wish to do so, regardless of if they fell in love with a man or a woman.

7. I am a rule breaker. Not a law breaker, but a rule breaker. Especially on things like this. I have been told as part of the rules that I need to nominate 15 bloggers for this award. I may break that rule. You see, I am still fairly new to this blogging thing. While I do follow and read a good amount of blogs, I am fairly certain that most of the blogs that I follow have already been awarded this award by somebody else. I could nominate them again, but I don’t see the point in doing so since they already have it… but I still might nominate some bloggers that I think might have this award already, but I’m not 100% sure. I would nominate Pondering Spawned again. But since she’s the one that gave me my award, that seems kind of silly.  🙂

Okay. Nominate (around) 15 bloggers:

1. Sorta-Ginger

2. MyExpWithSanity

3. Life According to Julie

4. Fat Ballerina

5. A little bit of me

6. RheasOfHope

7. Nomorefreerent

8. The Jiggly Bits

… 8 out of 15… good enough for me. Perhaps if I come across some more blogs in the future that do not yet have this award that I think should, I will nominate them. For now though, I have already stayed up way to late finishing this blog post. Thanks again to Pondering Spawned and everyone else that reads my blog. And thank you to all of the people whose blogs I read, you all inspire me.



Posted in Bullying, Food, Mental Health, Weight

Telling someone to “just eat” doesn’t help, neither does telling someone “just don’t eat as much”…

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week.

(click on image to enlarge)

I wanted to take a moment to once again to remind everyone that anyone can have an eating disorder, no matter what their size or gender. I want to remind you that that “overweight” person that you just judged for having the audacity to eat in public may not have the sort of eating disorder that you think they do. Just because someone might be “overweight” doesn’t mean that they eat too much. When I tell you that I have a history of anorexia and, based on my appearance now, you automatically assume that I must be recovered now, or worse decide that I must never have really had any issues with anorexia in the first place, you are wrong. Yes, I might be “recovered” enough that I now eat something  everyday. My dietary habits might be pretty close to “normal” most of the time now. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have times where I do not eat enough. That I don’t have times where I ignore my body when it tells me that I need food. Because I feel that I know better than my body, that I have already had “enough” food that day and therefore my body is just going to have to deal with being hungry. Or better yet, learn to not be hungry. Because what society tells you when you are “overweight” is that all you need to do is “not eat as much” and you will then become thin and therefore acceptable. And if you are “overweight”, according to society, you shouldn’t need as much food anyway.

But what society tells you happens to be lies.

What most people don’t realize is that if you are eating, but not eating enough, your body thinks that you do not have enough food available to you and prepares for famine. It stores up extra fat. So the truly ironic thing about my eating disordered behaviors is that even though I am restricting how much I eat in order to try to lose weight, or at least not gain weight, those behaviors are probably part of the reason why I am “overweight”. And even though I know that, I still can’t seem to completely drop them. I am doing better, but I am not recovered. We all need to learn to stop judging each other based on appearance.

Really, we all need to learn to stop judging each other period. 

None of us truly knows what someone else is going through. If we could all learn to approach others from a place of love and support, this world could be a much better place.

You are all beautiful and you are all enough.

Posted in Blogging, Bullying, Food, Mental Health, Weight

And why can’t we encourage people to accept themselves the way they are…

I was reading other people blogs again earlier when I came across this one. It was a very short blog post, just titled “Seriously?”  (The author of the blog is not encouraging this.) and with this picture.


But it made me so angry. This is not okay. We should not be encouraging each other to strive for things like this! Why is having a “thigh gap” so important? Why can’t we all encourage each other to be happy and love ourselves for who we are right now? It doesn’t matter how big or small  your body is right now, it still deserves to be loved and respected. You only get one. Starving it, exercising it too much, forcing it to purge is not how we should be treating our bodies!

Personally, I do NOT want a “thigh gap”. Why don’t I want one, even though the media has clearly told me that I need one in order to be worthwhile and “sexy”? Because I think that they look gross. I do not want to be that skinny. In fact, maybe I don’t want to be any “skinnier” than I am now. Yes, Even though I am currently considered “overweight”, maybe I’m fine with how my body looks now. Is there really anything wrong with that? It’s MY body. And if I choose to love it when it’s an american size 14, what the hell should it matter to anyone else? I am 5 feet 6 inches tall, and I weigh around 160 lbs.


I am technically “overweight” and recently had a quick, but extremely scary relapse into my own eating disorder. There is a part of me that still says that I shouldn’t eat as much as I do, that I should weigh less, that my stomach should be smaller. But you know what? That little voice can go to hell. I’m done. I don’t care what the media tries to tell me, I am enough, just the way I am now. I am beautiful just the way I am now. I am sexy just the way I am now. I do not need to fit someone else’s ideal mold of “perfect”. 

I am now going to do something that I never thought I’d do on this blog. I am going to attach some pictures of what my body looks like. I will not include my face, but not because I am ashamed of my body. Only because this blog is anonymous. I have no reason to be ashamed of my “overweight” body. I do not need to apologize for not looking like the people in the magazines. This is me, and I’m okay with it. I really hope that all of you can learn to be okay with your body, no matter what size it is. You are all beautiful. 

ImOkay1 ImOkay2
(Yes, I’m even unashamed of my PJ bottoms.)

Posted in Apartment Living, Stay at Home Wife

You know what I hate more than getting up early? Getting up early for no reason…

So today was day number 2 of getting my ass out of bed at 8am again. Have I seen or heard from a single plumber yet? Nope. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I haven’t had to let any strangers into my apartment yet. I just don’t like having to go to bed and get up earlier than I’d really like to right now, all just to spend my days waiting around for plumbers who never show… I’d rather they just come and get this over with so that I can go back to my schedule of going to bed and getting up whenever I damn well feel like it for a while… Have I mentioned that I haven’t been able to sleep very well for the last couple of nights? That might explain my “cheerful” attitude.

Well, on the bright side, tomorrow is day 3. And as we learned from the last time operation “Get My Ass Out Of Bed” was in effect, doing something 3 times in a row should make it a habit. So maybe it’ll get easier…

In other news, I will finally be getting a full size dryer delivered next week to go with my new washing machine that I got a few months ago. Gone will be the days of having to sort through the laundry in the dryer 3 or 4 times just to find the stuff that’s still wet and restart it again. My electricity bill will probably be much nicer.

We are also finally getting ourselves a new mattress. We have had the one that we are using now for almost 9 years or so. And it was far from top of the line too. We were very grateful to get it at the time, but my back has been telling me for a while now that it’s past time for it to go into retirement. We’ve even had 2 mattress pads on it for years, one of them memory foam. I can’t wait to get our memory foam mattress. Maybe this whole sleeping at night so that I can get up earlier thing will be easier once it arrives.


Posted in Apartment Living, Cat Mom, Stay at Home Wife

Why hello there 8am, do you think you could come a little later next time…

Well, it seems that operation “Get My Ass Out Of Bed” is going to be starting up again. This is not by my choosing though. Yesterday I received a notice from my apartment complex informing me that starting tomorrow (today now) there will be a plumbing company working on replacing and fixing the plumbing in the ceilings of the apartments in my building. They will be working on this for the next 4 weeks. This doesn’t mean that they will be in my apartment everyday for the next 4 weeks, but that they will be randomly showing up sometime during the day to turn off my water and do god knows what to my apartment at random times for the next 4 weeks. Now it is possible that they will show up and work on the plumbing in my apartment and finish all the work that they need to do in my apartment in 1 or 2 days or so, but that’s not what I’m expecting. No, in my experience, when work gets done in this apartment complex the workers show up randomly, work in your apartment, disappear without letting you know if they are done or are planning on coming back that day, then show up again at some random point in the future to hopefully actually finish whatever it is that they started the last time that they were in your apartment.

Something that you all should know about me is that I am a professional worrier. Like, somebody should seriously pay me for this. (Anybody? Please?) I love living in this apartment complex most of the time, but I hate it when I have to allow maintenance into my apartment to do work. Actually, I hate having to allow anybody into my apartment for any reason. My apartment is my safe place, the place where I should be able to go and hide from the rest of the world. Random people should not be able to let themselves into my apartment and mess up my day. And that brings me to one of my worries. The workers should knock or ring the bell (both things that induce panic anyway) and wait for me to answer before using the key that I’m sure that the office will provide them with in order to allow themselves into my apartment. But in my experience most workers seem to assume that every apartment is going to be empty during the day because the people who live there are at work. So they do not wait very long before they decide that they get let themselves into my apartment. I do not want to have to let anyone into my apartment, but I would much rather let you in than have you randomly barge in on me. And in order to make sure that they don’t barge in on me while I’m still in bed sleeping, I have decided to start getting up at 8am again. I was okay with this when it was my idea, not so much now that it’s because strangers are going to entering my apartment.

Then there is the fear that one of the workers will leave the door open and my furry child (aka my cat Teddy Bear) will escape through said open door. I may not like strangers, but my cat is absolutely terrified of them. Possibly terrified enough to overcome his terror of the outside world. My cat is strictly an indoor cat and would not survive outside of my apartment. Especially not since I live right next to the intersection of 2 main roads.

And even though they said in the notice that they will be turning the water back every evening before they leave, I am worried that they will forget. My apartment complex management is notoriously hard to get a hold of as well. So I’m picturing going a weekend without running water.

Well, looking on the bright side, since I am expecting the worst anything better than that will be a pleasant surprise right?

Posted in Blogging, Mental Health

I meant to post again sooner than this….

So life has continued to get in the way of me blogging as often as I planned. Things are still going well. Which is part of the reason why my writing in my blog has suffered. I find it easier to sit down and write when there is something that has got me all riled up, which was why I created this blog when I started to rant a lot on Facebook about various things that had caught my attention. Lately though, I have been happily distracted. I used to watch a lot of TV, which is part of where the inspiration for my rants would come from. I’ve barely turned on my TV at all now for the past few weeks, and I don’t really miss it at all. Not quite ready to give up my cable just yet though, there are still a few shows that I enjoy watching. Plus, I know myself. I go through cycles, and at some point soon I may go back to watching a lot more TV again.

My sleep schedule has suffered though. I got myself back on a schedule, even chronicled it here on my blog, and then life happened again. This time around though, I’m not as worried about my sleep schedule. It’ll figure itself out. The last time that I wanted to get myself back on a schedule was mostly to battle some seasonal depression that was cropping up. Sleeping in later meant less hours up while the sun was up, which would make it worse. I have some days lately where I probably should be getting up earlier than I am, but it’s not effecting me as much right now, so I’m not as worried.

I did something this weekend that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. When I was in high school I once dyed my hair completely purple. I’ve wanted to put some purple in my hair again for a while now, and finally did it this weekend. My hair is much longer than it was back in high school, so I decided not to dye all of my hair again just yet. Instead I did one streak of purple. Since I’m anonymous on this blog I wanted to post a picture of it that didn’t show my face. Good thing my hair is really long…