It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I just haven’t been sure what to write about. There have been a lot of things going on in my life lately that have been taking up a lot of my attention. They’ve been mostly good things, and at some point I might share them all with you, but right now I need to keep them private. Even though this is supposed to be an anonymous blog, I share links to my new blog posts on my private Facebook page. So any one of my friends and family might wander over here at any point, and I am unsure of wanting them to read about what is going on in my life right now for fear of judgement. I know that I could stop sharing the links on my Facebook, but I haven’t decided if I want to yet. Plus, since I have linked to my husbands blog a bunch already in this blog, and he isn’t as anonymous as I am, anyone could figure out who I am if they wanted to. I know that I am an adult now (30 years old), and that I have the right to live my life as I see fit, but the thought of disappointing friends or especially family still scares me. Some of the happy things that are going on in my life right now are unconventional, and that is what makes me nervous about sharing. Not only am I worried about the opinions of those who know me, but I am also worried about the opinions that might show up as comments here on my blog from those of you who might read it. I have my comments set up so that I have to approve each one, so they wouldn’t immediately be there for all to see, but I would still see them before I deleted them. I know that it shouldn’t matter, but I just don’t know if I am ready to deal with the potential criticisms just yet.
One thing that I can share is that my recovery from my recent brief relapse into my eating disorder has been going well. Eating has been much easier to do, and I am not as obsessed about it as I was just a short while ago. What’s probably helping with this is the fact that even though I have been eating better and have been making sure to eat at least 3 meals a day most days, my weight has not greatly increased like I feared it would. Before my recent relapse, I had been doing a lot of “bored eating”, or mindless snacking, and that has not really started up again which might have something to do with me not really gaining any weight. My portion control has been better lately too. I seem to be able to tell when I am full much easier now than before. I am also respecting my body when it tells me that it is hungry. Before I used to try to fit my eating habits into a schedule, and if I was hungry in between set “eating times” then I would just go hungry. Which would usually blow up in my face, as I would get so hungry that I would be light headed and shaky and end up eating way more than I would have had I just eaten when I first felt hungry. I am aware of the fact that my weight may go up again and I just hope that I will continue to be okay when it does. I preach body acceptance to everyone else, and truly believe that each and every one of you are enough and beautiful just the way you are right now. It can be hard to take your own advice sometimes though, and although I strive to accept and love my body as it is right now, it isn’t always easy. It is worth trying to do though.