I would like to thank Jane from the blog About A Girl… for nominating me for the Best Moment Award.
When I wrote “Keeping my promises…” I was reluctant to actually post it. I kept finding myself wanting to censor myself or my experience. But then I stopped and thought about why I was reluctant to share. What was it exactly that made me think “Maybe I should just keep this private.” ? Then I realized that it was shame. 16 year later and I still fell shame and confusion over what I went through. I still have moments where I think to myself “You can’t call what happened to you rape. He wasn’t all that violent with you. He did stop when you asked him to after the fact. Besides, it’s possible that you asked for it in some way, or that he thought that you had.” But I also know that I am not the only one to have these sort of thoughts. As survivors of rape, we tend to find a bunch of ways to put the blame for the situation squarely on our own shoulders. And society, for the most part, is happy to allow us to.
I refuse to continue to be ashamed of what happened to me. This is not my fault. He never should have done what he did. And even if I may have sent “mixed signals” the fact that I was only 14 and the fact that I did indeed say no several times earlier negate any blame that I might want to put on myself.
Here are the rules for this award:
Winners re-post this starting with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next 15 people with this award! The re-post should include a NEW set of 15 people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news.
Now, any of you that read my blog regularly should know by now how I feel about blogging award rules. It says that I need to nominate 15 more people for this award, we’ll see how close to that number I get.