I think that this quote very accurately captures what happened in my relationship with Justin. I was so caught up in idea of us, of what we could be, what our future could be, that I couldn’t see the reality of us. When he walked out on me I just couldn’t understand it. It did not fit into the idea of what we were supposed to be. We were supposed to last forever. The fact that I deserved a much better forever than what he could actually give me never occurred to me. He was supposed to be The One.
I have debated about the level of detail that I should go into when talking about this time of my life. I was not very happy with my writing when I first wrote about my relationship with Justin. There was a lot that happened during that relationship. Since I thought that my main focus of what has now become a long and rambling story was going to be about what happened after my relationship with Justin, I thought that I should just skim over that relationship and move on to what I actually promised to tell you all about. But in writing about the events that led up to that time of my life I realized that all of the things that came before are parts of that story. Without knowing what happened in my life before my being arrested and hospitalized, you can never truly hope to understand why it happened or what my state of mind was like at the time. Because really, my life started to unravel way before that incident.
So I am going to go ahead and elaborate more on my relationship with Justin. But I am going to warn you all that there was a lot more to that relationship than the picture I briefly tried to paint in my last post. It was not quite your “normal” high school romance. Some of you may feel the need to judge my teenage self on some of her lifestyle choices. To those of you who do feel the urge to write a judgmental comment after reading this post and the ones that will follow it, I would like to remind you that I have to approve all comments on this blog. So if all you do is judge me in your comment, I will delete it. You may not like the way that I have lived my life, but it is my life. If I want for you to be able to understand my story I need to be honest about it.
Near the end of the relationship, Justin and I had started to hang out with a another couple quite often. They became very close friends… in fact more than just friends. The couple was a little older than us. Out of the 4 of us, I was the only one still in high school. We started hanging out the summer between my sophomore and junior year. Justin was working at the same company that my dad worked for by this time, (In fact, my dad helped to get him the job) and he met John at work. John had a girlfriend named Lauren. Justin and John became friends and decided that perhaps the 4 of us should hang out sometime. So when there was going to be company picnic we decided to meet for breakfast beforehand and then all go to the picnic together afterward. We all hit it off right away. We decided that we wanted to continue to hang out more somewhere other than at the picnic and somehow decided that we were going to pile into John’s car and drive up to Salem, MA and back. Since I was still a minor and living at home with my parents I had to get permission from my parents to leave the picnic and go hang out with them for the rest of the day. I did not tell them that we planned on driving out of state however, because I knew that they would never say yes to that. So I lied to my parents and off we went. We had a great time. It was one of the best summer days of my life, and one of my first tastes of freedom.
At this point I should probably point out that one of the reasons why Justin and John thought that the 4 of us should hang out was because Lauren and I are both bisexual. They were hoping that the 2 of us would like each other. We did. But it was more than that. All of us ended up being attracted to one another. Except for Justin and John, who are not bisexual. We all became very close, very fast.
That evening driving home from Salem, MA Justin and Lauren were in the backseat. I was sitting in the front passenger side seat and John was driving. I don’t remember how it started, but John started cranking the heat in the front of the car. It got to the point where layers of clothing had to be taken off, it was so hot in that front seat. And then John and I were basically daring each other that the other one wouldn’t take off that next layer of clothing, or the next… And that is how I ended up naked in the front seat of a car flying down the highway at night with a naked man next to me driving the car and 2 fully clothed people in the back seat. We were all laughing our asses off. John then finally turned down the heat and got dressed and I was about to get dressed myself when he decided to pull off an exit ramp and stop at a gas station. I didn’t have time to get dressed, so I ended up naked in the front seat huddled under a blanket or something that they threw me from the backseat while we were parked in front of the gas station. And we were still all laughing our asses off. And that was just the first time that we all met and hung out…
To be continued…