I have started writing this blog post at least 5 times or so already, only to go back and erase everything. Which is super frustrating. I wanted to write a blog post, but instead have spent a good amount of time deciding that I don’t like what I have written about my attempts to write a post, erasing what I have written and then checking Facebook… again… Did I mention how frustrating this is? Especially since Facebook is pretty dead at this time of night…
There are many different things that I could be writing about… if I could just figure out how to go about writing about them. But I just can’t seem to concentrate long enough… You know how they say that one of the signs of depression is losing interest in things that you once enjoyed? Yeah, that’s totally true. I started cycling into a depressive period a few days ago, and although I’m feeling restless and want to do something, I’m not really interested in doing anything. It’s extremely frustrating (there’s that word again…) because there is absolutely nothing going on in my life for me to be depressed about… and yet here I am all because of some stupid chemical imbalance in my brain. My brain, that I would like to start devoting it’s time and energy into helping me write awesome blog posts instead of making me annoyed by just about anything and everything and yet complaining that it wants to be doing something. Life could be a whole lot worse right now, brain, so kindly quit your whining and allow me to get on with living again.
Also, brain, kindly stop with the thoughts of self harm. They are not a good idea as you would try to lead me to believe. There is absolutely no reason for me to start cutting myself again. Or for me to start scratching myself till I leave marks or bleed again. I know that you think that the scratching thing is clever because it might be less likely to land us in a mental hospital again than me taking a knife to myself would be, but they are both extremely fucking stupid ideas and I know it. I have been doing just fine while not engaging in those behaviors all these many years. I have absolutely no interest in having to listen to people talk about how I was clearly “just doing it for attention”. Or to explain to those people that they are right, but not in the way that they think. And I have no intention of going back to a mental hospital, because no matter how clever you think you are, brain, that’s exactly where we’d end up. Have you forgotten how much it sucked the first time?
So, brain, if you want to try to continue to drag me further down into depression you can try. But just know that I’m onto you and plan on fighting you every step of the way. And I’ve already won one little victory… I wrote a blog post.