Posted in Abusive Relationships, Bullying, Family

Let go of the guilt…

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Whenever I get to feeling guilty or upset that my life turned out differently than I expected it to, I remind myself that even if my sister was still in my life, my life still wouldn’t be the way I would want it to be because my sister is incapable of contributing to a healthy relationship with me. All that would happen were I to allow her in my life would be that she would have another person to abuse. There is no reason for me to fill that role. If I’m not there she’ll just find someone else to abuse. Because unfortunately the only sort of relationship my sister seems to be capable of is one where she is in the role of an abuser.

Yes, families are “supposed” to stick together. But family members are supposed to not be abusive as well. I have nothing to gain from allowing my abusive sister room in my life. Keeping up a relationship with her simply because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do is nowhere near a good enough reason to subject myself to her abuse. She’s never showed any signs of feeling guilty for all the hurt that she’s caused me over the years, so why should I feel guilty for not allowing her to continue to abuse me?

 

Links to more posts about my relationship with my sister can be found on my “My Toxic Sister” page on this blog.

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6 thoughts on “Let go of the guilt…

  1. You shouldn’t, but others don’t always understand that. Not that you should worry about what anyone else thinks, but there is a special scrutiny that comes when it’s what others think is an unbreakable bond.

    I love that excerpt you have in this post. I am going to save it to my phone as a reminder when I need it.

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    1. I have to constantly remind myself that the opinions of others count for absolutely nothing when it comes to how I go about living my life. I mean, let’s say I do resume a relationship with my sister simply because it’s what society expects of me. What does the approval of society gain me while I’m being abused by my sister? It certainly won’t protect me from her, or make her a less self-absorbed person. When it comes down to it, society might not approve of my life choices, but society also doesn’t have to personally live through what the alternative would be if I followed all of “society’s rules”. People might judge me and say that they would never make the choices that I have made, but all of them are making those judgements safe in the knowledge that they will never actually have to live my life. It’s real easy to say that we’d “do better” than somebody else, while never having to actually deal with the reality of someone elses pain.

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  2. Dear Controlled Chaos, once again I see your posts this morning and your post is word for word what I could have written. I love how you write, my inner thoughts to a tee. For me, it’s as if I had written your very words. You’re right, the opinions of others mean nothing because they are not the ones living in our shoes, but it is what society “expects” of us. And regarding your other post, if I was to allow my sister back in my life, it would revert very quickly back to the control, negativity, and abuse. My sister also has never called me and said she was sorry for all the rotten things she said and did and all the lies she told about me to other family members; I would do anything for anyone, even total strangers, because that’s how God made me. I think that could be one of the reasons she hates me so much, because I am so kind and loving and always wanting to do kind things for strangers and she is just hateful and extremely arrogant to everyone she meets. But my sister also doesn’t think she has ever done anything wrong to me because she told me that; she told me on the phone once that she always bought me things when she went on their many trips per year; I would rather have received nothing and she been kind to me. And when I did confront her about certain terrible episodes, she said they never happened!! and my brother was here, living with me at the time, and also experienced it all. I have read and read, for years now, trying to figure out what happened to my sister and me and my sister has every characteristic of “malignant narcissistic personality disorder”. And yes, the pain she has caused me has created a lot of health issues which I don’t know if they can ever be remedied now because I have had them for so long, which really worries me because of what long-term stress does to cancer cells.

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    1. Shelley- Thank you once again for your kind comments. Apologies from my sister were always difficult to come by, and when she did apologize she always had a way of putting the blame on everybody else for her actions. So her apologies were never really apologies at all, but were in fact her making excuses for her behaviors while using the word “sorry”. She also never seemed to grasp the fact that just saying “sorry” was not enough. She would “apologize” and then turn around and continue with the same behaviors. Then, when people were upset with her about it, she would say “What? I said I was sorry. What more do you want me to do? I apologized, people need to move on.” Like her just saying the words “I’m sorry” was supposed to magically make everything better and as soon as those words were out of her mouth everything that she was “apologizing” for was supposed to be in the past never to be spoken of again. She never took anyone else’s feelings into account, just expected that everyone immediately “forgive and forget”.
      My sister also would try to buy peoples love or friendship. She never seemed to understand that just spending a lot of money on people wasn’t ever going to be enough to get people to like her.
      I hope that your health and stress levels will begin to improve soon.

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      1. Thank you again for your help and support; will keep you posted on how I am coming along and hoping all the very best for you too. Your blog finally gave me what a professional psychologist couldn’t; it is very healing.

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  3. I have gone through a very toxic relationship with my Mum, my sister and my ex husband. I have had to take a big step back from all my family as it was wearing me down and keeping me in a heightened state of anxiety. I tried to connect with my remaining brothers and sisters, but I became ostracised by them as I had stood my ground.
    Although I feel better in myself, I find myself constantly going over conversations we had in my mind and I imagine what I might say now. However, I know I made the right choice for me as I have finally found who I am. I have achieved so much personally and have realised that I am not the person they made me believe I was.
    My advice would be to listen to your inner most feelings and to believe that you are worth so much more. We all deserve the right to be happy. 🙂

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