As I shared in an earlier post, I have recently lost over 10 lbs (13 lbs to be exact) when I never expected to lose anymore weight at all. I wasn’t trying to lose any weight, and when I weighed myself again after having not done so in a while I was shocked at seeing a lower number than what I was expecting to see. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the fact that I had lost weight again when I was just starting to try and accept my body at the weight I thought that I would always hover around. Part of me was very happy to see the weight loss and another part of me was unhappy with that part of me because I had been talking on my blog about how there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t need to lose weight.
But now I’m no longer as okay with the thought of weighing around 165 lbs again. Now that I’ve lost the weight, I’m terrified of putting it back on again. I know it’s irrational. I know that what I weigh does not define me. But I’m terrified nonetheless.
This fear of gaining back the weight has me fighting the urge to let anorexic behaviors take over again. Right now it’s a fight that I’m winning, but not before a bit of a setback immediately after seeing the lower number on the scale for the first time. Seeing that I’ve lost weight triggers this urge to see just how low I can get that number to go. It wasn’t very long until I realized what I was doing and started challenging those thoughts though.
I had the realization earlier today though of just how much weight I’ve lost now, total. Well, at least how much weight I’ve lost since the last time I actually weighed myself when I was at my heaviest. After I stepped on the scale and saw the number 195, I just stopped weighing myself. So I don’t know what my highest weight actually was, I know that it was more than 195 lbs though. But based on the numbers I do know, I’ve lost at least 43 lbs total now. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this. Part of me is very proud of this weight loss. And part of me feels guilty for feeling proud of it since it really shouldn’t matter what I weigh. And once again there is the fact that I am terrified of gaining back any of that weight.
Like I said, I’m trying to find a balance.
In searching for images to add to this blog post I came across this image which led me to this article that talks about exactly what I’m going through right now.