Posted in Marriage, Mental Health

Letting the music speak for me…

Some things have happened in my life over the past year that I haven’t really spoken about on this blog. I always intended to, but then never quite got up the nerve to do so. Partially because I was afraid of certain people finding my blog and the drama that might result from it. But also because I was reluctant to write about this aspect of my life until it became “more real”. Over the last couple months however it became clear that things were not going to work out as I had hoped they would. Things instead began to fall apart. And now that it’s over, I’ve decided to go ahead and actually write about it some.

I was involved in an almost year long polyamorous long distance relationship with an old friend from high school that I reconnected with on Facebook. My husband knew about and was okay with this relationship, nothing was ever done behind his back. I never had any intention of leaving my marriage for this guy, and he knew it. I ended up deciding to end this relationship back in January for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest ones was that the relationship wasn’t supposed to continue to be a long distance one, but after an entire year nothing had changed and I saw no reason to believe that anything ever was going to change. A lot of promises were made, I offered to make a life with this guy, and still he’s a soon to be 34 year old unemployed man still living in his parents house. He’d talk about how things would be once he moved out here and then talk about how he wasn’t sure that he’d ever be able to live anywhere other than New England. I spent a long time wondering why I wasn’t motivation enough for him to actually grow up and become a responsible adult in order to have the life with me he claimed he wanted, why wasn’t I good enough? Until I realized that I am not the problem. Toward the end the only reason I was still with him was because I stubbornly refused to “fail” at the relationship, I was going to stay with him as long as it took. I wasn’t going to give up. I tried to make it work, but in reality I was the only one who was really trying at all.

I could write more specifically about this, and maybe someday I will, but for right now I think I’d like to just go ahead and let some of the songs that have come to mean a lot to me over the last few months speak for me.

“The Change” by Evanescence

Thought that I was strong
I know the words I need to say
Frozen in my place
I let the moment slip away

I’ve been screaming on the inside
And I know you feel the pain
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]

Say it’s over,

Yes it’s over
But I need you anyway
Say you love me but it’s not enough

Never meant to lie
But I’m not the girl you think you know
The more that I am with you
The more that I am all alone

I’ve been screaming on the inside
And I know you feel the pain
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]

Say it’s over,
Yes it’s over
But I need you anyway
Say you love me but it’s not enough

Not that I’m so different
Not that I don’t see
The dying light of what we used to be
But how could I forgive you?
Just change!
And I’m a liar by your side
I’m about to lose my mind

‘Cause I’ve been screaming on the inside
And I know you feel the pain
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Aaa

You’ve been dreaming
If you’re thinking
That I still belong to you
And I’ve been dying,
‘Cause I’m lying to myself!
Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]

Say it’s over,
Yes it’s over
But I need you anyway
Say you love me but it’s not enough

Some lyrics from “Into The Fire” by Marilyn Manson.

“It’s better to push something when it’s slipping
than to risk being dragged down

If you want to hit bottom
don’t bother to try taking me with you
and I won’t answer if you call
I’m two heartbeats ahead in hell
trying to break your fall”

“Army Of Me” by Bjork

Stand up
You’ve got to manage
I won’t sympathize
Anymore

And if you complain once more
You’ll meet an army of me

You’re alright
There’s nothing wrong
Self-sufficience please!
And get to work

And if you complain once more
You’ll meet an army of me

You’re on your own now
We won’t save you
Your rescue-squad 
Is too exhausted

And if you complain once more
You’ll meet an army of me

Some lyrics  from “Is It Real?” by Scott Matthew

“It’s really all become too much
I’m not sure what I should feel
I guess I’ve finally had enough
I don’t know if this is real”

“Walk Away” by Five Finger Death Punch

I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become
You should be sorry for the angel you are not
I apologize for the cruel things that I did
But I don’t regret one single word I said

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there’s just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is real

Could you forgive me if I told you that I cared?
Would you be sorry if I swore that I’d be there?
Please forgive me for laughing when you fall
I’m so sorry but I never cared at all

Just walk away make it easy on yourself
Just walk away please release me from this hell
Just walk away there’s just nothing left to feel
Just walk away pretend that none of this is none of this is

Just walk away make it easy on us both
Just walk away there was never any hope
Just walk away you already know the deal
Just walk away, pretend that none of this was, none of this was real

“Lost In Paradise” by Evanescence

I’ve been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I’ve been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I’m broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We’ve been falling for all this time
And now I’m lost in paradise

As much as I’d like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I’d like to feel like I belong here
I’m just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We’ve been falling for all this time
And now I’m lost in paradise

Run away, run away
One day we won’t feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won’t let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We’ve been falling for all this time
And now I’m lost in paradise

Alone, and lost in paradise

“Save Yourself” by Stabbing Westward

I know your life is empty 
And you hate to face this world alone 
So you’re searching for an angel 
Someone who can make you whole 
I can not save you 
I can’t even save myself 
So just save yourself 

I know that you’ve been damaged 
Your soul has suffered such abuse 
But I am not your savior 
I am just as fucked as you 
I am just as fucked as you 
I can not save you 
I can’t even save myself 
So just save yourself 

Please don’t take pity on me 
Please don’t take pity on me 
Please don’t take pity on me 
Please don’t take pity on me 

My life has been a nightmare 
My soul is fractured to the bone 
And if I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone 
I think I’d rather be alone 

You can not save me 
You can’t even save yourself 
I can not save you 
I can’t even save myself 
Save yourself 
So just save yourself

 Some lyrics from “Happy” by Stabbing Westward

“You know I tried to make you happy
But I believe
You thrive on misery”

“Too Close” by Alex Clare

You know I’m not one to break promises,
I don’t want to hurt you but I need to breathe.
At the end of it all, you’re still my best friend,
But there’s something inside that I need to release.
Which way is right, which way is wrong,
How do I say that I need to move on?
You know we’re heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There’s nothing I can really say.
I can lie no more, I can hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I’ll be on my way.

You’ve given me more than I can return,
Yet there’s also much that you deserve.
There’s nothing to say, nothing to do.
I’ve nothing to give,
I must live without you.
You know we’re heading separate ways.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There’s nothing I can really say.
I can lie no more, I can hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I’ll be on my way.

So I’ll be on my way.

And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
There’s nothing that I can really say.
I can lie no more, I can hide no more,
Got to be true to myself.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you,
So I’ll be on my way.

So I’ll be on my way.
So I’ll be on my way.

Some lyrics from “Moonlight” by Stevie Nicks

“She’s laid on the floor in silent pain
He sat in a chair for months just staring
She knows too much to walk away
She couldn’t do it anyway”

“Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now I can’t stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
“Perfect” couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

And I’m already gone, I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Ah already gone, already gone, already gone
Ah already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

And I’m already gone, I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

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7 thoughts on “Letting the music speak for me…

  1. I’m proud of you for writing this, chica. As you know, I can relate on the “why wasn’t I motivation enough” but it really is more than that. I am sorry it did not turn out the way you thought it would, but it was better for you to find out now rather than later when/if things had continued to move forward.

    ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you. It bugs me that everything I had to offer and everything he claimed to want with me was not enough for him to actually do anything to try and make it happen. But at the same time, if he’s not ready to change I wouldn’t want him to do it just for me. He’d probably still have all the same issues, just in a different part of the country. And then he’d probably blame me for him being unhappy, like he blames his parents now. If he’s ever going to change it needs to be for himself, not for anybody else.
      And honestly, if that’s the life he wants for himself, that’s his choice. I believe everyone should be able to live their lives as it works for them. But if it is want he wants, he should just own it. The fact that he lives with his parents doesn’t bug me, the fact that he made promises that he may not have actually wanted to keep does. It doesn’t matter how much you say you want something, if you don’t actually do anything to work toward it, it’ll never happen. He may have claimed he wanted a life with me, but actions speak louder than words.

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