I never thought that actually losing some weight would trigger anorexic thoughts. Most of the time when I feel like I need to start restricting my diet it’s when I notice that I have gained some weight. But when I noticed that I had lost some weight a couple months ago I started having thoughts of restricting my diet to see just how low I could get my weight to go. I didn’t act on these thoughts and thought that I had come to terms with the fact that my body was losing weight and would eventually stabilize.
Until I happened to weigh myself a few days ago that is. The scale said 149 lbs and I freaked out about the fact that I was in the 140s and immediately started wondering if I restricted my diet, could I get my scale to say 145? It’s only 4 more lbs. And it has kind of been one of my “goal” weights and a weight that I never thought I’d actually see. I say one of my goal weights, because I know that as soon as I hit that I’d be focusing on getting down to 135, and then 125, and then 115…
But here’s another way of looking at it. I am only 4 lbs away from 145 lbs. Why is that not good enough? Why is seeing a specific number on my scale so goddamn important?
And why, when I see that my body has been naturally losing weight on it’s own do I not take away the lesson that I don’t need to starve myself in order to lose weight? And even if I did get down to a certain weight because I starved myself, what then? I wouldn’t be able to maintain that weight, and in fact would probably gain more weight back once I did start eating because my body will think that it needs to compensate for the fact that there isn’t enough food available for me to eat.
I have come too far to go back to disordered eating. I do not need it in my life. My life is better without it.