As most of you probably figured out from my last blog post my ex boyfriend, the subject of my previous posts about my failed polyamorous relationship, (Which can be found here, here and here if you would like to read them) happened to read my blog recently.
Needless to say he was not happy with what he read.
Now before I found out that he had read those posts I was beginning to wonder if maybe my reluctance to speak my mind was more self imposed than anything that he conditioned me to do during our relationship. I have a habit of avoiding things that upset others, a fear of conflict, that was only made worse during my toxic relationship with my sister. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I had made some false assumptions due to lack of actual information because I was too afraid to actually ask certain questions.
But before I could actually ask any of those questions, I found out that he had read those blog posts. And then my first reaction was to apologize and tell him that it was possible that I was wrong about what I wrote.
And while I am sorry that seeing those blog posts caused him pain, I can’t honestly say that I think that I was wrong about everything that I wrote.
Because since writing that post I have had some fairly long conversations with him where I actually talked to him about the things that I had been avoiding throughout our relationship. And I realized that with some things, I wasn’t avoiding the topics out of fear, but I was instead avoiding the topics to spare myself frustration.
As much as he might think I’m wrong about him and that the things I wrote were unfair, I’m not going to be convinced that I’m remembering everything wrong. I know how I felt during our relationship, and those feelings didn’t just come out of nowhere. And some of the things that I remember have only been confirmed since my recent conversations with him. He may not see how he comes across to others, he may not see how what he says he believes and how he talks about things don’t match, but that doesn’t mean that I have to ignore how I feel just because he says that I’m wrong.
I don’t need to continue to put myself in a situation where I’m reluctant to speak my mind, for any reason.