Posted in Childless by Choice, Mental Health, Stay at Home Wife

I really am doing okay, but…

I really am doing okay, but it’s not easy.

I am more stable now than I was when I was seeing doctors and was medicated, but anxiety, panic and depression are still things that I deal with daily.

I have learned how to manage them, but managing them means having strict control over my environment. Which is not always possible.

The way that I have structured my life to manage my disorders is not always respected or understood by others. I am judged for my choice to not work. That I am a stay at home wife, even though I do not have children. I am judged for the fact that I do not even like kids and therefore obviously have no interest in having children.

I am not a social person, but some people cannot understand or respect that. I am told that I would feel better if I got out and socialized more by people who have no idea what socializing takes out of me. Not only am I one hundred percent introvert, but I have extreme anxiety. I do enjoy going out and socializing every so often, but I always pay a price for it. Which is why I love messaging and texting people (in moderation), I am able to socialize but I am also able to still be alone at the same time.

Hang up and text

It’s not that I don’t love my friends, but I have to love myself more and take care of myself. I know that this might make me a terrible friend, but I am who I am. Even if I am medicated again at some point, the medication will never completely “fix” all the things that other people think are wrong with me.

I’m always going to be an introvert, sorrynotsorry.

There are days when I wake full of purpose and can easily get up and start my day, and there are days where I feel as though I am a prisoner to that purpose or that everything is pointless. There are some mornings when just the thought of my normal daily routine is overwhelming. Where the thought of having to decide what to wear that day is paralyzing. I fear that at some point things are going to get bad enough for long enough that I will have to be hospitalized again.

The fear of hospitalization is a crippling fear.

I am aware that paranoia and mild delusions are part of my life because of my bipolar disorder. Because I know that I am prone to these things I can try to keep them under control and label them for what they are. I do fear that one day I will not recognize my delusions for what they are, that my hold on reality will slip without me realizing it. I do hope that if that ever happens that I will be able to find help quickly and that my husband and I will be able to afford it.

It shouldn’t be that way, I shouldn’t be worried about being able to afford treatment if my mental health deteriorates. I may seek treatment again before it ever gets to that point, if it ever does, but unfortunately being able to pay for that treatment has to be a primary concern.

I am honestly also somewhat reluctant to seek treatment again because I am afraid to start taking medications again. Some of the times when I was at my worst was while I was trying to find the right combination of medications to stabilize me.

It was hell.

I know that things have probably come a long way in the over a decade since I last took medications, but I am afraid that medications will only upset what balance I have found instead of help me keep it.  I do wish that I had a bit more control over my anxiety and panic, but I don’t want that at the expense of exacerbating my bipolar disorder.

Besides, I heard somewhere that some study found that people who are excessive worriers are more than likely creative geniuses.

I’m a creative genius, people. Deal with it.


9 thoughts on “I really am doing okay, but…

  1. I like to say creativity is madness put to good use. I like to say a lot of things, for example. Life is a balancing act some of us have more weight on one thing than others. I’m very glad you’ve got some level of control. You’re kind of awesome!


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand so well what you are going through, even though I am medicated for my mental illness. Sometimes I think it would be easier, and maybe better if I were not medicated. I was diagnosed when I was about 16 and have played the medication game ever since. There was a period of about three years where I was in “partial remission” thanks to the right combination and I was HAPPY. And then it went away, they stopped being the right combination for no discernable reason. The doctors, the therapists, the treatments, the meds… it is a roller coaster through hell that never ends. I am glad you are stable and wish I could choose to be a stay at home wife. I think it is wonderful that you have found a way to keep balance and control over your illness without doctors and medications, maybe one day I’ll have the courage to try and do the same. It’s ok to have less than productive days, and it’s definitely ok to be an introvert! You are loved! I support you, and I am here for you. I am inspired by you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My attempt to deal with my illness without doctors or medications was out of necessity. I simply couldn’t afford to go to a doctor anymore once I lost my insurance, and therefore could no longer be on any medications. I actually had to quit one of them cold turkey and went through withdrawals. I’m lucky that for the most part I’ve found a way to manage my illness, but, just to be clear, doing it alone with any medical assistance is not something that I am recommending. I have found a way to have some balance, but it definitely comes at a price. And there are times when I am very far from stable, but I’m doing the best I can.
      Thank you very much for your support. I really appreciate it. I hope that you are able to find some sort of balance for yourself soon as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry, I feel very foolish for my comments. I just assumed it was a choice you made and I shouldn’t ever make assumptions 😕 I don’t have insurance either and the costs are outrageous, my husband and I are living paycheck to paycheck, so I understand. I humbly ask you to forgive my insensitive remarks previously. Kind Regards, {A}


        1. Don’t be sorry. It started out as a necessity but turned into a choice. I do currently have medical insurance but am unsure of it’s mental health coverage. I have just recently started to use my medical and dental insurance after not being to either a doctor or a dentist in over a decade. The amount of debt that I have to pay back just for the dental work is frustrating and I have no idea what my upcoming doctors appointment for my high blood pressure is going to cost me. So we have insurance, but are still living paycheck to paycheck and can barely afford to use it.
          I just wanted to make it clear in my comment that I was not recommending that people stop taking their medications and talking to their doctors because me recommending that would be highly irresponsible. It’s working out okay for me now, but for other people it could have disastrous results. I’m sorry if it came across like I was upset with you at all. That was not at all my intention. I don’t know if you’re a virtual hugger, but ((HUGS)) if you want them.

          Liked by 1 person

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