Posted in Blogging, Family, Mental Health, Relationships, Stay at Home Wife

Lonely by design…

A few days ago on Facebook Ra was talking about how she wanted to write a post about loneliness and asked if any of us had written posts on the subject. I’m not sure if I have written a post about it before, but it got me thinking about the way I’ve got my life set up.

I started writing a post early yesterday morning but ended up trashing it. Then I read Holly’s post on the subject of loneliness and decided to give mine another try.

My husband and I live hundreds of miles away from all of our friends and family. We originally lived in Connecticut but moved all the way out to Utah a little more than 12 years ago. All of the friends that we’ve made out here have been through my husband’s work. Those friendships can be hard to keep up though because I don’t socialize. I’m 100% an introvert. We now literally live right across the street from where my husband and his co-workers/friends work and I have still yet to actually invite my husband’s coworker/ friend that I’ve made via Facebook over on her way home from work. It’s not that I don’t want to see her, but the thought of inviting someone over causes anxiety for me. The nice thing is that she can totally relate, because she deals with anxiety herself.


I do not have a job. I haven’t had a job since the beginning of my marriage almost 14 years ago. I’ve tried to work before, but it never ends well. My anxiety, bipolar disorder or panic disorder always end up causing me to leave all my jobs. I am extremely lucky that my husband is able to support us both.

So, I don’t socialize and I don’t work outside the home for the sake of my mental health, add to that that I also hate talking on the phone and that leaves social media, texting, email and interacting on blogs as my ways to connect with other people.


Only sometimes even that is too much. Sometimes I go full hermit mode and drop off the face of the earth for a while.

But none of this is loneliness, this is how I’ve set up my life to survive since I have not received treatment for any of my mental health issues for over a decade. And because I’m an introvert and generally don’t really like people. It may not look healthy to you, but I’m doing a hell of a lot better than I ever did on medications.

The loneliness comes in when I come back to social media or my blog and no one’s around anymore. The people who used to read and comment on my blog aren’t there anymore. I can’t blame them, I’m the one who went radio silence for months.
So I try to reach out to other bloggers, I make a conscious effort to actually comment on their posts instead of my usual “liking and lurking” but I feel awkward and like I don’t belong. I feel like an outsider among the blogging friends/family. I feel like no one actually wants me there, but they’re too polite to tell me that I just don’t fit in anymore because I’ve fallen into the blogging black hole one too many times.
It’s nothing that anyone says or does, and I know it’s all in my head. I’m just very socially awkward and never know how to go about the whole “making friends” thing.

Especially since on some level I feel like I don’t deserve any friends anyway, because I know I’m just going to disappear again in the future at some point.

And that is a very lonely feeling.

7 thoughts on “Lonely by design…

  1. I wish I knew the words to say to make it all better, but then if I did I would be better myself, I think. I get you on the feeling alone, even online thing. I changed blogs and nobody made me and I could have stayed where I was and “popular” but that was empty and overwhelming. All I can say is just hang in there, I know you will find the right connections soonand you always know where to find me. I know I am bad about starting conversations recently but I’m always around for ya hon ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I can totally understand why you switched blogs before. I don’t necessarily want to be “popular”, I think that would be way too much pressure. In fact part of the reason for one of my disappearances was because I had a lot of traffic coming to my blog because of one specific post and I felt like I was being inundated with requests for advice on how to deal with that type of thing in other people’s lives. It was overwhelming and constantly focusing on that one part of my life was proving to be unhealthy for me. But instead of dealing with it by telling everyone that I couldn’t have my blog be all about this one thing, I ghosted. I don’t know if it was the right way to handle it, but I was burning out and just needed a break.

      What I want is people (like you) who read what I have to say and at least “like” it to let me know they’re reading. I’m not even looking for a ton of comments, because that could quickly get overwhelming, but comments are always appreciated of course. I guess I just want to feel like I’ve been seen and heard.
      I greatly appreciate your friendship, and I hope you know that I’m here for you too. (Even when I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. You know how to find me.) ❤


  2. Hey there Dear Friend, I’m here for you too. Im a “liker and lurker” I am guilty too but I try to comment especially when I can really relate to that person’s vulnerability. There is strength in numbers and you’re not alone in this blasted bipolar fight. Please press on and be well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. And there is nothing wrong with “liking and lurking”, but it does tend to make it harder to make connections with others which is why I’ve pushed myself to comment more lately. I’m appreciative of every “like” that I get because I know that people have read what I had to say, even if they didn’t necessarily have any comments to share.
      Thanks again for reading and for your support.

      Liked by 1 person

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