Posted in Blogging, Mental Health, Writing Challenges

I feel like I crashed a party…

I’ve always had issues with feeling like nobody really likes me or actually wants to be my friend. 

I do well for a while, enjoying the friendships that I’ve cultivated, and then the doubt starts to creep in.

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know everyone that I met through Nano Poblano, and getting to know people that I met before it better as well.

I started to feel like I’ve found my people, my tribe… My Blokin as Ra calls it. 

I basked in the happiness and warmth of belonging.

And then the thoughts of “… but you don’t really belong…” started again.

I started to feel like I invited myself to y’all’s party and that you’re all just too polite to ask me to leave. 

My brain doesn’t care about the fact that Ra specifically and enthusiastically invited me to join #TeamTinyPeppers.

It’s certain that I probably received the invitation by mistake.

My brain tells me that everyone probably found my daily link up posts on the Cheer Peppers Facebook group towards the end of November to be annoying. That they probably were hoping that someone who actually belonged there would take over.

No matter that Bradley set it up specifically so that I could do those posts. Or that Bradley and Ra both thanked me for doing them after November ended and they had a chance to breathe.

My depression is very good at telling me that there is no reason why people would actually want to interact with me. 

I’m trying to fight it, but self doubt and low self esteem are hard things to beat.

This post isn’t me looking for sympathy, it’s me being real and sharing my struggle because I know I’m not alone in dealing with feelings like this. 

If you are also going through this, you are not alone.