Posted in Childless by Choice, Mental Health, Stay at Home Wife

I really am doing okay, but…

I really am doing okay, but it’s not easy.

I am more stable now than I was when I was seeing doctors and was medicated, but anxiety, panic and depression are still things that I deal with daily.

I have learned how to manage them, but managing them means having strict control over my environment. Which is not always possible.

The way that I have structured my life to manage my disorders is not always respected or understood by others. I am judged for my choice to not work. That I am a stay at home wife, even though I do not have children. I am judged for the fact that I do not even like kids and therefore obviously have no interest in having children.

I am not a social person, but some people cannot understand or respect that. I am told that I would feel better if I got out and socialized more by people who have no idea what socializing takes out of me. Not only am I one hundred percent introvert, but I have extreme anxiety. I do enjoy going out and socializing every so often, but I always pay a price for it. Which is why I love messaging and texting people (in moderation), I am able to socialize but I am also able to still be alone at the same time.

Hang up and text

It’s not that I don’t love my friends, but I have to love myself more and take care of myself. I know that this might make me a terrible friend, but I am who I am. Even if I am medicated again at some point, the medication will never completely “fix” all the things that other people think are wrong with me.

I’m always going to be an introvert, sorrynotsorry.

There are days when I wake full of purpose and can easily get up and start my day, and there are days where I feel as though I am a prisoner to that purpose or that everything is pointless. There are some mornings when just the thought of my normal daily routine is overwhelming. Where the thought of having to decide what to wear that day is paralyzing. I fear that at some point things are going to get bad enough for long enough that I will have to be hospitalized again.

The fear of hospitalization is a crippling fear.

I am aware that paranoia and mild delusions are part of my life because of my bipolar disorder. Because I know that I am prone to these things I can try to keep them under control and label them for what they are. I do fear that one day I will not recognize my delusions for what they are, that my hold on reality will slip without me realizing it. I do hope that if that ever happens that I will be able to find help quickly and that my husband and I will be able to afford it.

It shouldn’t be that way, I shouldn’t be worried about being able to afford treatment if my mental health deteriorates. I may seek treatment again before it ever gets to that point, if it ever does, but unfortunately being able to pay for that treatment has to be a primary concern.

I am honestly also somewhat reluctant to seek treatment again because I am afraid to start taking medications again. Some of the times when I was at my worst was while I was trying to find the right combination of medications to stabilize me.

It was hell.

I know that things have probably come a long way in the over a decade since I last took medications, but I am afraid that medications will only upset what balance I have found instead of help me keep it.  I do wish that I had a bit more control over my anxiety and panic, but I don’t want that at the expense of exacerbating my bipolar disorder.

Besides, I heard somewhere that some study found that people who are excessive worriers are more than likely creative geniuses.

I’m a creative genius, people. Deal with it.

Posted in Apartment Living, Health, Random, Relationships

Our December move is still not officially official…

Yesterday my husband was able to talk to the woman at the apartment complex office who is responsible for letting us know if our rental applications were accepted. The day before he had spoken to someone else at the office who said that everything looked like it came back okay, but that she wasn’t the one who normally dealt with the applications so we’d have to wait to talk to the person who did. Apparently everything that has come back looks good, but they are still waiting on confirmation of my husband’s employment and of our rental history. She said that she doesn’t anticipate any issues, but that she probably won’t have confirmation of those 2 things until the end of next week. My husband and I can’t wait that long before handing in our “Intent To Vacate” paperwork where we are currently living though, because if we did we would not be giving 60 days notice. So we will be handing in that paperwork in the next few days. At least the things that they still need confirmation on are the things that we are not at all worried about. I will feel much better once we’ve actually officially been accepted though.

I also keep telling myself that our last couple moving experiences are nowhere near typical. Usually when you put a deposit down on an apartment, that is the apartment that you actually move into. The next step in a normal moving process is not to be contacted by the apartment complex and told that particular apartment (and the next one, and the next one) is not actually going to be available for you to move into. I know that, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to tell myself not to become too attached to that particular apartment’s location. It would be amazing to be able to move into the apartment that we chose and not whatever they happen to have available when all other options fail. I really hope that this moving process actually proceeds as it should.

Go Minimal

In other news, as of Tuesday when I had my final 2 fillings done and my permanent onlay installed, all of my major dental work is now done. I am so relieved to have that behind me. The next step is for me to get braces of some sort once my gums are healthy enough and I have the funds to pay for them. Which will probably be once I am able to pay off the debt from all the work that I already had done. So it might be a while still.

Dentist Said I Needed a Crown

Also, tonight I will be going to a BBQ that my husband’s work is hosting at a local park for all the Team Leaders on his project. This will be the first social event that I have attended in a while and I’m surprised that I’m not really all that nervous about it. I am excited for the chance to be able to finally meet some of his coworkers, but me and social situations don’t usually mix well. We’ll see if my anxiety rears it’s head at the BBQ.

Having Plans

Posted in Apartment Living, Blogging, Health

Today, I am stress incarnate…

Today my anxiety has taken control. I have felt this close to a panic attack since waking up this morning.

ridiculous amount of appointments

Next weekend we will be going down to the apartment complex that we are wanting to move into and will hopefully be filling out rental applications and putting a hold on an apartment. I called the office last weekend just to get an idea of availability right now, because if they don’t really have anything available for October or November our chances for getting into an apartment in December when our lease is up wouldn’t be all that great. They do currently have some apartments to choose from for November though and hopefully by this weekend will start to have information about availability in December. We plan on trying to move in December if possible, but if when we go down there this weekend they do not have any apartments available in December we will put a hold on an apartment available in November just to be sure of having somewhere to move to. I asked the management at the apartment complex if we could transfer our hold to another apartment should one become available to move into in December and was told that we could, so if we aren’t able to put a hold on an apartment that would be available in December this weekend we will check back with them a week later and transfer our hold if one becomes available. If none are available by then we’ll probably just commit to moving in November and start focusing on making that happen. It wouldn’t be ideal, there will be many more fees from our current complex, but we need to move this year and we’re going to do what we need to, to make that happen.  And while I know that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about any of this until this weekend, that doesn’t stop my brain from worrying about it.

The worst part about moving

I also have a couple of dentist appointments coming up in October, one to finish up the work that needs to be done and one later on in the month to check on the healing progress of my mouth. And I’m not all that worried about having to go to the dentist, but having appointments at all is stressing me out.

mygetupandgo

I called my doctor’s office yesterday to finally set up that follow-up appointment that my doctor wanted with me because of my high blood pressure. That is also at the end of October. And I’m worried that the stress of trying to move will mess with my readings. I also have no idea exactly what my doctor plans on doing during this appointment or how much it’s going to end up costing me. Or how many other appointments she’s going to want to set with me after this one, and how much all of those are going to cost me. Not to mention the fact that I will be getting to this appointment on my own because Curtis has to work. I hate taking Trax by myself. Luckily it’s very unlikely that I will end up getting lost while walking there from the train station, I just need to walk to the main road and walk in the correct direction and I’ll be able to easily find it.

Having Plans

I did manage to get a lot of cleaning and housework done today though, so there’s that. Though, I should probably go and switch over the loads of sheets in my washer and dryer now…

Posted in Health

Update: Bill from my doctor…

At the end of my post about my recent visits to the dentist and doctor I talked about how I was being billed $227 for services that were part of my yearly preventative care visit at my doctor. Everything that was done during that visit was supposed to be covered 100% by my insurance, so I was less than impressed to see that bill.

turtle-is-not-angry

I contacted my doctor, then contacted my insurance as instructed by the billing department and then contacted the billing department again to inform them that this was something that they needed to fix. That my insurance said that there were a couple of things that were coded wrong and that those codes needed to be changed. Last I heard was that the billing department was going to contact the coding department and that they would “review it”. I was prepared to fight them if they didn’t make the right decision and change the codes.

Today I checked out the website and saw that I owed a balance of $0.00. The $227 that they had previously said I owed had been moved to the “insurance balance” column. It looks like they changed their minds about trying to bill me for things that are supposed to be covered by my insurance and went ahead and changed they codes. I am pleasantly surprised that I only had to contact them once to get them to fix this.

Hurray for not being $227 more in debt for things that I shouldn’t have to pay for!

You can buy cupcakes

Posted in Blogging, Health

Being a “responsible adult” is expensive and time consuming…

A couple of months ago I went and visited the dentist for the first time in over a decade. Or I should say that I visited the dentist and actually had something useful done for the first time in over a decade. I had 2 broken teeth that I had tried to have something done about a couple of years ago but because I didn’t have dental insurance at the time the dentist I saw did absolutely nothing to help me. They poked around in my mouth, scolded me for how bad my dental health was and then tried to sell me on getting braces… when I went in there because of broken teeth.  So I pretty much lived on painkillers on and off since then.

LemurThanksYouButNo1-vi

My husband and I were finally able to get dental insurance again, but because we knew that the work that I needed done would still be expensive I still kept putting off setting an appointment. That and the fact that I was terrified of dentists. But then one day couple months ago I noticed that part of my face had gone numb and decided that it was time to finally have something done. We looked around online and found a dentist office just down the street from where we live that luckily did emergency appointments since it was later on at night on a Saturday.

We went down there and the dentist was really nice and patient and listened to all my concerns. He did all he could to make sure I was comfortable with what was happening and offered to go ahead and pull both of the broken teeth for me that night. It was a rough night because there was no way that they could make the process completely pain-free, but he left it up to me how much I could take. There was no way that I was leaving that night with one or both of those teeth still in my mouth, so I toughed it out and left that office with 2 less teeth and a prescription for an antibiotic and some Oxycodone. The healing process was a slow and rough one since the teeth were on opposite sides of my mouth and I was suffering through side effects of the antibiotic while trying to heal.

Once I was healed up though, my husband and I both set up appointments to go in and get started on getting our teeth healthy again. We both have been back 3 times since then and have one more appointment each before our all our major work is done. I had 4 fillings done my first appointment plus I the hygienist measured my bone and gum loss due to the periodontal disease that I have. My second appointment was 3 hours and 45 minutes long. I had 4 more fillings done as well as a deep cleaning on one side of my mouth. My third appointment was about 3 hours long and I had one filling done and was fitted for an on lay, had a temporary on lay placed as well as having a deep cleaning done on the other side of my mouth. My temporary on lay has already popped off twice in the little less than a week since it was first placed. After it popped off the second time I decided I wasn’t having it replaced and I’m just waiting for the permanent one to be ready. That will be placed during my next appointment in a couple of weeks as well as having my last 2 fillings done. Then I will have one more appointment with my hygienist to see how well my mouth is healing after those deep cleanings.

ridiculous amount of appointments

We are glad to be able to have this work done finally, but we do wish that our insurance covered more than just around half of the cost. Paying off the debt that we have accrued during the last couple of months is not going to be fun, but we figured it would be better to take care of it all now instead of waiting and risking things getting worse and costing us more in the long run.

Money can't buy happiness

We also used our health insurance last month and had our first checkups in over a decade. We figured that since it was all supposed to be covered 100% by our insurance that it would be stupid of us to not start seeing a doctor again. Other than some concerns about high blood pressure for me we were both given a clean bill of health. We did have to go back the very next day to have blood work done though because nobody told us to fast for our appointment. Getting to the doctor means having to walk about a mile to the Trax station, getting on a train and then walking about another half mile to get to the office. We were not happy about having to do that 2 days in a row.

And then a few days ago I got a bill for over $200 for things that were supposed to be covered by my insurance. I called my doctor’s billing department who told me to call my insurance company. So I called my insurance company and they told me that couple of things were coded wrong and therefore they were going towards my deductible instead of being covered and that my doctor’s office needed to fix the coding. So I called my doctor’s billing department again and explained what happened and now the coding department is “reviewing it” to decide if they will change the codes.

turtle-is-not-angry

They better, because I don’t plan on paying for something that insurance was supposed to pay for.

Posted in Food, Mental Health, Weight

National Eating Disorder Awareness week 2014

NEDAwarenessLogo

I never thought that actually losing some weight would trigger anorexic thoughts. Most of the time when I feel like I need to start restricting my diet it’s when I notice that I have gained some weight. But when I noticed that I had lost some weight a couple months ago I started having thoughts of restricting my diet to see just how low I could get my weight to go. I didn’t act on these thoughts and thought that I had come to terms with the fact that my body was losing weight and would eventually stabilize.

Until I happened to weigh myself a few days ago that is. The scale said 149 lbs and I freaked out about the fact that I was in the 140s and immediately started wondering if I restricted my diet, could I get my scale to say 145? It’s only 4 more lbs. And it has kind of been one of my “goal” weights and a weight that I never thought I’d actually see. I say one of my goal weights, because I know that as soon as I hit that I’d be focusing on getting down to 135, and then 125, and then 115…

Distorted Body Image

But here’s another way of looking at it. I am only 4 lbs away from 145 lbs. Why is that not good enough? Why is seeing a specific number on my scale so goddamn important?

love-myself

And why, when I see that my body has been naturally losing weight on it’s own do I not take away the lesson that I don’t need to starve myself in order to lose weight? And even if I did get down to a certain weight because I starved myself, what then? I wouldn’t be able to maintain that weight, and in fact would probably gain more weight back once I did start eating because my body will think that it needs to compensate for the fact that there isn’t enough food available for me to eat.

I have come too far to go back to disordered eating. I do not need it in my life. My life is better without it.

NEDA color quotesFashion Modelseating disorders aren't coolFatspiration #80I refuse to waste my life for a bikiniYou are strong, brave, amazingjudging defines youFatspiration #104Fatspiration #180eating without guiltFatspiration #65

NEDA-ads-edit-112012a

 

Posted in Mental Health, Weight

My “ideal body weight” reality check…

Yesterday I did some searching on the internet for “ideal body weight” charts and calculators. I have done this in the past, but usually if something asks me to put down my laptop, get off the couch, search through my townhouse for measuring tape, and then do some complex looking mathematical equations based on the measurements that I got after following their confusing instructions to get said measurements, then finally be able to use their chart/calculator to get my “ideal body weight”, I usually click “back” on my browser and look for something more simple. Like a chart that only asks for my height. I think I can handle remembering out how tall I am, although, I have gotten conflicting measurements for that before as well…

TooShort

But yesterday I found a site that started out by asking me to go and locate my measuring tape to get a measurement of my wrist, but then they also provided a handy little shortcut that didn’t involve me getting up and didn’t involve any math skills on my part. All I had to do was was wrap my thumb and middle finger around my wrist and see if they could touch or not, and then based on that I could finally confirm what I’ve thought for a while. I have a large body frame.

Armed with this new found knowledge of my body frame size I went and clicked on many links to many different charts and calculators… and found that pretty much every different site I went to had their own unique idea as to what my “ideal body weight” should be. Some of them were similar, but I still ended up with many conflicting numbers. The ones that only asked for my height and didn’t take my frame size into account, the old school charts basically, told me that I still needed to lose a pretty good amount of weight before I would be at my “ideal weight”. The lowest number I saw for my height of 5’6″ was around 114 pounds! I would have to lose 38 more pounds before I would hit that weight. But these are the charts that I’m used to, the charts that I remember from back when I first got married and was being gently prodded by my doctor that maybe I might want to “become more active and lose a little bit of weight”.  These are the types of numbers that I have had in my head for years when I think about how much I “should” weigh. Admittedly, some of these charts have a range of numbers for what my “healthy weight range” would be, but we all know that all we tend to see is the lowest number connected to our height. Well at least if your brain works the same way mine does anyway.

Fatspiration #104

But when I moved on from the “old school” charts and started to take into account my large body frame, I was shocked to find that they all pretty much say that I am already in my healthy weight range. Some of them say that I am just barely in it because my current weight is the lowest number listed on that weight range. Some of them say that I’m right in the middle of it. But pretty much all of them say that I am already at a healthy, ideal weight.

Which completely shocked me.

Because I still had the old charts in my head. I was convinced that I still needed to lose at least 20 or so more pounds before I would actually be at my ideal weight.

Fatspiration #80

I have spent years, really ever since I was a teenager and my obsession with my weight began, thinking that I needed to get down to a ridiculously low weight in order to not be “fat”. And the old charts didn’t help with that at all. Because, until yesterday, the thought that my large body frame might mean that I shouldn’t look at the lowest number on the chart connected to my height never crossed my mind.

When I was in high school it never even crossed my mind that different sized body frames were even a thing. Even though for a while I was really quite skinny, I always felt fat because I wasn’t as small as some of the other girls. Back then someone saying they were “big boned” was looked at like an excuse for not losing the weight that they needed to to be super model skinny. How different things might have been for me if someone had actually told me that I was “big boned” and that it didn’t matter how skinny I got, that was never going to change.

Or maybe I'll just go ahead wear a bikini anyway, even though I'm not super model thin...
Or maybe I’ll just go ahead wear a bikini anyway, even though I’m not super model thin…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But now that I know, maybe I can start to change the way that I look at myself. Maybe I can start to give myself a break.

love-myself