Posted in Childless by Choice, Mental Health, Stay at Home Wife

I really am doing okay, but…

I really am doing okay, but it’s not easy.

I am more stable now than I was when I was seeing doctors and was medicated, but anxiety, panic and depression are still things that I deal with daily.

I have learned how to manage them, but managing them means having strict control over my environment. Which is not always possible.

The way that I have structured my life to manage my disorders is not always respected or understood by others. I am judged for my choice to not work. That I am a stay at home wife, even though I do not have children. I am judged for the fact that I do not even like kids and therefore obviously have no interest in having children.

I am not a social person, but some people cannot understand or respect that. I am told that I would feel better if I got out and socialized more by people who have no idea what socializing takes out of me. Not only am I one hundred percent introvert, but I have extreme anxiety. I do enjoy going out and socializing every so often, but I always pay a price for it. Which is why I love messaging and texting people (in moderation), I am able to socialize but I am also able to still be alone at the same time.

Hang up and text

It’s not that I don’t love my friends, but I have to love myself more and take care of myself. I know that this might make me a terrible friend, but I am who I am. Even if I am medicated again at some point, the medication will never completely “fix” all the things that other people think are wrong with me.

I’m always going to be an introvert, sorrynotsorry.

There are days when I wake full of purpose and can easily get up and start my day, and there are days where I feel as though I am a prisoner to that purpose or that everything is pointless. There are some mornings when just the thought of my normal daily routine is overwhelming. Where the thought of having to decide what to wear that day is paralyzing. I fear that at some point things are going to get bad enough for long enough that I will have to be hospitalized again.

The fear of hospitalization is a crippling fear.

I am aware that paranoia and mild delusions are part of my life because of my bipolar disorder. Because I know that I am prone to these things I can try to keep them under control and label them for what they are. I do fear that one day I will not recognize my delusions for what they are, that my hold on reality will slip without me realizing it. I do hope that if that ever happens that I will be able to find help quickly and that my husband and I will be able to afford it.

It shouldn’t be that way, I shouldn’t be worried about being able to afford treatment if my mental health deteriorates. I may seek treatment again before it ever gets to that point, if it ever does, but unfortunately being able to pay for that treatment has to be a primary concern.

I am honestly also somewhat reluctant to seek treatment again because I am afraid to start taking medications again. Some of the times when I was at my worst was while I was trying to find the right combination of medications to stabilize me.

It was hell.

I know that things have probably come a long way in the over a decade since I last took medications, but I am afraid that medications will only upset what balance I have found instead of help me keep it.  I do wish that I had a bit more control over my anxiety and panic, but I don’t want that at the expense of exacerbating my bipolar disorder.

Besides, I heard somewhere that some study found that people who are excessive worriers are more than likely creative geniuses.

I’m a creative genius, people. Deal with it.

Posted in Abusive Relationships, Keeping my promises, Mental Health

Keeping my promises, part 5…

Previous “Keeping my promises” posts can be found here.

After that first time that Justin and I hung out with John and Lauren, I think we spent more time with them than we did alone together. Part of it was when we hung out over at Lauren’s house in Lauren’s room there was no supervision. Lauren still lived at her mother’s house, but even when her mother was home, her mother never bothered us. John and Lauren were both adults, and therefore in our parents’ minds they were the adult supervision for Justin and I. Our parents had no idea what the nature of our friendship was of course. They had no idea that we were all drinking beers and smoking cigarettes while listening to music in Lauren’s room. John and Lauren were both legally old enough to do so, Justin and I were not. But what our parents probably would have been most upset to find out was how the theme of nakedness that started in the car on the way home from Salem, MA continued in our friendship. I don’t remember how it started, but eventually we were naked pretty much all the time that we were in Lauren’s room together. We weren’t necessarily engaged in sexual behavior all the time that we were hanging out together, but shedding our clothes once we entered Lauren’s room and the door was shut behind us just seemed to become a habit. It was almost like her room had become a nudist colony space.

There was a lot of sexual activity that occurred in that room though, and not just between individual couples either. Lauren and I began a sexual relationship, which was what the guys had hoped for, seeing as they always got to watch. But I also began a sexual relationship with John, and Justin began one with Lauren. This all worked out fine for the most part, we were all happy and were all having a good time together. There were some rough times though, like the night that I walked in on Lauren giving Justin a blowjob and was completely unprepared for it. It wasn’t what she was doing that upset me though, it was the looks that I felt like they gave me while Lauren continued to do what she was doing. I saw them as mean spirited, although they later claimed that they were not meant that way. I had to turn around and walk out of the room and try to get my jealous impulses under control. John sat with me on the couch in the living room as I tried to calm myself down. That turned into a pretty ugly night though. Even though I didn’t want to be upset and angry, I just couldn’t seem to shake it. We ended up out on the front lawn of  Lauren’s house with Lauren offering to get me a knife so that I could cut myself  because she said that she knew that it could help sometimes. I didn’t take her up on her offer. I didn’t end up getting home until after 3 am and when I walked in the door I found that my father had waited up for me. And boy was he pissed about me coming in so past curfew. A huge screaming match then ensued, but I can’t remember if I was punished in anyway at all. That was definitely not the best night of my life.

Another not so great night was the one where they all stood me up. They were supposed to come by and pick me up so we could all hang out for Lauren’s birthday. I got all dressed up and was waiting for them to show up. I sat at the kitchen table looking out the window waiting for their car to pull in the driveway for hours until I finally realized that they weren’t showing up. I couldn’t believe that they would just not stop by to get me, so I spent most of the night worrying that something happened to them. When I eventually did talk with Justin the next day he told me some story about John and him deciding to just hang out and play basketball and that they never ended up going over to Lauren’s and that Lauren decided to do something else for her birthday other than hang out with us. I chose to believe him and forgive him, though I made it clear that next time we had plans and he was going to cancel them that he should call me and let me know.

There was also the night (I can’t remember if this was before or after the “basketball” night…) when all four of us were fooling around together. John was having sex with Lauren, and I was kneeling on all fours on the bed next to John kissing him. Then, without any warning at all, Justin was inside me. Justin, knowing my history of sexual assault (which I wrote about here), should have known better. I froze, I had no idea how to react. After it was over, right there in front of John and Lauren, I told Justin that I wasn’t okay with what he did. If he wanted to have sex with me, he could let me know and ask me. Forcing himself upon me without asking was not okay. His response shocked me. He told me that that was how foursomes worked (…like he’d ever participated in any before our relationship…) and that he could do whatever he wanted without asking and that I had no right to be upset because what happened is exactly what I should have expected to happen. I informed him that I had every right to be upset, because when you get right down to it, what he did was rape and that I had every right to have a chance to say no to having sex with anybody. He continued to say that he did nothing wrong and that I just needed to calm down. I decided to forgive him, but that night was probably the beginning of the end for Justin and I, even though I didn’t know it at the time. Soon after is when he told me out of the blue that he wanted to break up with me. (I wrote about our breakup in this post here)

On the day after he broke up with me, when he had come over to my house and then got a call and had just walked out on me, the person who had called him was Lauren. He had told me that he was going to be hanging out with some friends, but had never told me what friends. It wasn’t until John called me to let me know that Justin was with Lauren that I realized that it was Lauren that had called him. John offered to come pick me up, he said that there were some things that I needed to know. When he came and got me he told me what really happened back on Lauren’s birthday. They were all together, but Justin didn’t want me there, so they never went and picked me up. Why Justin felt the need to lie and hide things from me when it was abundantly clear that I was okay with our open relationship is something I will never understand. Justin also apparently thought that he might be able to steal Lauren away from John, which was never going to happen, but was probably one of the main reasons why he left me. Justin had been starting to imply to me before that the only reason that John and Lauren hung out with me, was so that they could hang out with him. But once Justin and I broke up, I still spent most of my time with John and Lauren who kept telling me that I shouldn’t be upset over losing Justin because he was an annoying idiot. My relationship with Lauren was a bit strained after Justin left, but John and I still got along just fine. I really don’t know what I would have done without John reminding me that I was better than Justin and that my worth wasn’t tied to that relationship.

Soon the summer ended and I started my junior year of high school, and John, Lauren and I started hanging out less and less as I started to hang out with my friends from school more and more. And even with how things ended up, I still don’t regret my relationship with John and Lauren. Even with knowing that Justin was a liar and was doing things behind my back while we were dating, I still wasn’t over him. It was months into the school year before I realized that he probably was never going to come back to me. I even dated other people during this time, but still was always hoping that one day Justin would come back into my life and we could pick up where we left off. That obsession with getting Justin back or finding anyway that I could to forget the pain that not being with him caused me, coupled with therapy that had become ineffectual and medication that wasn’t helping (I wrote about this here) are part of what caused the events that soon would turn my life upside down.

To be continued…

Posted in Bullying, Food, Mental Health, Weight

Telling someone to “just eat” doesn’t help, neither does telling someone “just don’t eat as much”…

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week.

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(click on image to enlarge)

I wanted to take a moment to once again to remind everyone that anyone can have an eating disorder, no matter what their size or gender. I want to remind you that that “overweight” person that you just judged for having the audacity to eat in public may not have the sort of eating disorder that you think they do. Just because someone might be “overweight” doesn’t mean that they eat too much. When I tell you that I have a history of anorexia and, based on my appearance now, you automatically assume that I must be recovered now, or worse decide that I must never have really had any issues with anorexia in the first place, you are wrong. Yes, I might be “recovered” enough that I now eat something  everyday. My dietary habits might be pretty close to “normal” most of the time now. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still have times where I do not eat enough. That I don’t have times where I ignore my body when it tells me that I need food. Because I feel that I know better than my body, that I have already had “enough” food that day and therefore my body is just going to have to deal with being hungry. Or better yet, learn to not be hungry. Because what society tells you when you are “overweight” is that all you need to do is “not eat as much” and you will then become thin and therefore acceptable. And if you are “overweight”, according to society, you shouldn’t need as much food anyway.

But what society tells you happens to be lies.


What most people don’t realize is that if you are eating, but not eating enough, your body thinks that you do not have enough food available to you and prepares for famine. It stores up extra fat. So the truly ironic thing about my eating disordered behaviors is that even though I am restricting how much I eat in order to try to lose weight, or at least not gain weight, those behaviors are probably part of the reason why I am “overweight”. And even though I know that, I still can’t seem to completely drop them. I am doing better, but I am not recovered. We all need to learn to stop judging each other based on appearance.

Really, we all need to learn to stop judging each other period. 

None of us truly knows what someone else is going through. If we could all learn to approach others from a place of love and support, this world could be a much better place.

You are all beautiful and you are all enough.

Posted in Blogging, Bullying, Food, Mental Health, Weight

And why can’t we encourage people to accept themselves the way they are…

I was reading other people blogs again earlier when I came across this one. It was a very short blog post, just titled “Seriously?”  (The author of the blog is not encouraging this.) and with this picture.

DoItForTheGap

But it made me so angry. This is not okay. We should not be encouraging each other to strive for things like this! Why is having a “thigh gap” so important? Why can’t we all encourage each other to be happy and love ourselves for who we are right now? It doesn’t matter how big or small  your body is right now, it still deserves to be loved and respected. You only get one. Starving it, exercising it too much, forcing it to purge is not how we should be treating our bodies!

Personally, I do NOT want a “thigh gap”. Why don’t I want one, even though the media has clearly told me that I need one in order to be worthwhile and “sexy”? Because I think that they look gross. I do not want to be that skinny. In fact, maybe I don’t want to be any “skinnier” than I am now. Yes, Even though I am currently considered “overweight”, maybe I’m fine with how my body looks now. Is there really anything wrong with that? It’s MY body. And if I choose to love it when it’s an american size 14, what the hell should it matter to anyone else? I am 5 feet 6 inches tall, and I weigh around 160 lbs.

TooShort

I am technically “overweight” and recently had a quick, but extremely scary relapse into my own eating disorder. There is a part of me that still says that I shouldn’t eat as much as I do, that I should weigh less, that my stomach should be smaller. But you know what? That little voice can go to hell. I’m done. I don’t care what the media tries to tell me, I am enough, just the way I am now. I am beautiful just the way I am now. I am sexy just the way I am now. I do not need to fit someone else’s ideal mold of “perfect”. 

I am now going to do something that I never thought I’d do on this blog. I am going to attach some pictures of what my body looks like. I will not include my face, but not because I am ashamed of my body. Only because this blog is anonymous. I have no reason to be ashamed of my “overweight” body. I do not need to apologize for not looking like the people in the magazines. This is me, and I’m okay with it. I really hope that all of you can learn to be okay with your body, no matter what size it is. You are all beautiful. 

ImOkay1 ImOkay2
(Yes, I’m even unashamed of my PJ bottoms.)

Posted in Blogging, Food, Mental Health, Weight

The truth behind the lies…

In one of my recent posts I talked about the things that anorexia whispers to me in my mind. How it tries to convince me that I really do feel better not eating.

But here are the things that anorexia hopes that I won’t notice, so that I will continue to listen to the lies that it whispers to me.

It hopes that I will soon forget how weak I feel when I don’t eat. How I have to be careful to not stand up too fast so as not to black out. Or how I can not trust that I will have the strength to remain standing for any amount of time.

Most of all it hopes that I will forget the terrifying feeling of my heart racing, not because I have exerted myself, but simply because it’s  been too long since I’ve last had something to eat.

It hopes that I will forget these things, that I will think that they are worth it for the lies that it tells me.

It’s wrong though, I won’t forget.

The lies aren’t worth feeling this way…

 

Posted in Blogging

You can’t reason with unreasonable people…

It’s  been a couple days since my last post. I meant to post something the last couple days, but I just never seemed to get around to it. This blog was originally created to be a place where I could voice my opinions of things that I read on my friends walls on Facebook. Instead of getting into a commenting war, or posting a really long status update that no one would read, I would post my thoughts in this blog (where most of my Facebook friends still wouldn’t read them).  It’s not like I don’t still have friends posting things on Facebook that drive me crazy, that make me want reach through the computer and shake them (or punch them). Some of the things that my friends post frustrate me to no end. What frustrates me even more though is when I take the time to provide facts to people, and when they comment back to me it is obvious that they will continue to cling to whatever their latest conspiracy theory is, regardless of facts that prove their “theory” to be based on lies. There are people who have decided that nothing can be trusted but the information that they gain from their one trusted source, and any evidence that is presented to them that goes against what they have decided is the “truth”, is all a part of a sinister cover up. And some of these people happen to be on my friends list.

So there are a lot of things on my mind, a lot of things that I could probably rant about, but it feels like an exercise in futility. What’s  the point in explaining reality to someone that is refusing to let go of their paranoid delusions, and is distrustful of reality, if not outright hostile toward it?

So I read the latest string of crazy things that is posted on my friends’ walls, and I become offended and angry. But most of all I feel sad that there will never be any getting through to these people. That they will continue to live their lives believing that everyone is out to get them, and that no one can be trusted. Including their friend that is offering them a way out of the craziness.

So I removed some people from my friends list, and I hid the posts of others so that  I will no longer have to watch as their posts become more and more detached from reality.

Because you just can’t reason with unreasonable people.

Posted in Blogging, Mental Health, Weight

The people in the magazines do not look like the people in the magazines…

Sometime last week I read a comment somewhere, about how the person who wrote the comment, couldn’t understand how some people that they see in the magazines are able to stay as skinny as they look like they are. Someone else replied that some of the people that are actually extremely skinny, have suffered from eating disorders in the past, and are possibly still suffering today. That is part of the equation, but not all of it.

I’m going to tell everyone something that I wish I had been told years ago. The people that you see in the magazines do not look like the people in the magazines. Allow me to explain.

What you see in the pages of a magazine is an idealized version of a person. Probably most, if not all, of the pictures that you see in magazines have probably been “photo-shopped” They will take a picture of someone and then they will “fix” it via digital software. They will make someones hair look good. They will change the color of someone’s dress. They will make someone’s waist, or bottom, or legs, or arms look smaller than they actually are in real life. What they sell you as the ideal body in the magazines does not exist.

But this also goes beyond that. Even before this person has their picture taken, they are made to look “better” than what they naturally would. When celebrities go shopping for clothes, they don’t just pick something up off the rack, bring it home, and have it fit perfectly. They have their clothing tailored to fit them perfectly. That’s why everything looks better on them.

Also, you don’t see what’s going on underneath those perfectly tailored clothes. You don’t know how many layers of Spanx they are wearing to look as slim as they do. You don’t see that fact that they may have used tape to bind themselves and keep themselves looking “perfect”. And any number of other tricks that are used.

They also have an army of people to dress them, and do their hair and make up.

Then even after all this, the image is still “retouched” in order to create the perfect woman. Or man for that matter.

The standard that has been set up for the perfect female/male is a fraud. Is it impossible to achieve without going to dangerously extreme and unhealthy measures.

And it’s time to reject it.